AZALEA WANKSTAIN: EXCERPT

PERFORMED AT THE ARCOLA THEATRE ON 5.2.18, STARRING SAFRON BECK AND KACE MONNEY

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Taking the allegations against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein to greener pastures, former news anchor Lauren Sivan claimed on Saturday that Weinstein had exposed himself to her in a restaurant hallway before “ejaculating quickly into a potted plant.” We get the other side of the story…

FEMALE CALLER: (distressed) and then he… then he said, you could either be in this script, or you could not. I guess it depends on how badly you want it. (sobs)

RADIO HOST: (lurid) Oh dear. That must have been very hard for you. (coughs) Excuse the pun. (coughs)

FEMALE CALLER: Pardon?

RADIO HOST: Never you mind your female little brain with that. What did he do next?

FEMALE CALLER: What… what do you mean?

RADIO HOST: (annoyed) Which type of sexual favour did he ask for? Are we talking just a handie, or -

FX: RECORDING SCREECHES TO A HALT

RADIO HOST: (disappointed) Aaw, Sheyla! We was just getting to the heart of the story! I had the what, the where and the when! I was just going in for the how.

SHEYLA: Take your hand out of your trousers.

RADIO HOST: Oh, don’t be like that, Sheyla. I became a radio show host in the seventies! Women’s rights didn’t exist back / then -

SHEYLA: Neither will your job, if you don’t treat the next call with more respect.

FX: PHONE RINGS

SHEYLA: Oh! Here it comes.

RADIO HOST: That’s what she s(aid) -

FX: A SLAP INTERRUPTS HIM

RADIO HOST: (grunts) Good morning and thank you for calling Personal Tragedy to Personal Gain. What can I do you for?

FX: RECORDING SCREECHES TO A HALT

RADIO HOST: Aw, but Sheyla!

SHEYLA: One more chance. One.

FX: PHONE RINGS AGAIN

RADIO HOST: (petulant) Good morning and thank you for calling Personal Tragedy to Personal Gain. What can I DO for YOU?

AZALEA: Well, good morning, I’m an Azalea, and I think these allegations are outrageous.

RADIO HOST: You’re speaking my language, Miss Azalea. Or can I call you Anne?

AZALEA: Certainly not!

RADIO HOST: Very well, Miss Azalea. Any relation to Iggy, that saucy little / minx -

AZALEA: No, no relation, and I don’t appreciate your tone, Mr Radio Host.

RADIO HOST: Oh God, not another one.

AZALEA: I’m sorry?

RADIO HOST: (to himself) Aw Jesus, where’s that manual again…

FX: PAPER RUSTLES

RADIO HOST: (clears throat) I mean That’s interesting. Tell me more.

AZALEA: I just want you all to know that Harvey could be very loving. Him and I had a special bond that none of those women could ever understand.

RADIO HOST: (confused, then excited) Women? Are you… are you saying you’re underage, Miss Azalea?

AZALEA: In fact, the very first time Harvey laid eyes on me, he said, and I quote, he said, “One day I’ll make you a Wankstain.”

RADIO HOST: A what?

AZALEA: A Wankstain! As in MRS Wankstain! Swear down, I have it on CCTV.

RADIO HOST: Oh! I see! Well, Miss Azalea, I’m not sure that’s how you pronounce -

AZALEA: A husband and wife, I know, a priest needs to be present. But it’s a pretty clear declaration of intent, which is just as important. And I would like that recorded.

RADIO HOST: Right. So, Miss Azalea…

AZALEA: (giggles) Azalea Wankstain… it’s a neat name, don’t you think?

RADIO HOST: Oh, you’re hyphenating it?

Beat.

RADIO HOST: Anyway… you work in the industry, did you say?

AZALEA: I’m in the building, yes.

RADIO HOST: The Wankstain, I mean the Weinstein building?

AZALEA: A building he frequents, yes. Though I haven’t seen him lately, what’s with all the naughty naughty press against him. I think he wants to protect me from all that.

RADIO HOST: And what exactly do you do in this non-disclosed building, if I may ask?

AZALEA: Let’s just say nobody gets in without my knowledge!

RADIO HOST: A-ha. So you’re quite high up then?

AZALEA: Actually, I’m in the lobby.

RADIO HOST: Wait, are you saying, you work on the floor? A young receptionist, perhaps…?

AZALEA: Oh, floor, windowsill, hanging basket… Harvey said he’d have my bush anywhere.

RADIO HOST: Hanging basket? Wow, I mean we all knew he was into some unconventional practices, but…

AZALEA: INothing gets past me, sugar drop! Like that one night, when he came in with that so-called news anchor. I could feel my petals shrivel with jealousy as they walked toward the elevator. But then, suddenly -

RADIO HOST: Hold up, hold up. You could feel WHAT shrivel with jealousy?

AZALEA: My petals, petal. And believe me, they are NOT at the shrivelling stage! Anyway, just when I thought I’d see him walk out of my life, again, he stopped, turned to me, and lavished me with-

RADIO HOST: I’m sorry, Miss Azalea. Are you… a… potted plant?

AZALEA: Oh I am THE potted plant, big boy. A salmon-pink Japanese Azalea in her prime. You haven’t seen pistils like mine since the Wild Wild West. Harvey used to say he’d never poked such perfect ovaries -

FX: RECORDING SCREECHES TO A HALT

SHEYLA: (disappointed) Awww! I thought that was going very well! Minority perspectives are all the rage -

FX: RADIO HOST SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET

RADIO HOST: Petals… pistils… ovaries… I need to get me some of that.

SHEYLA: Wait. Are you… leaving?

RADIO HOST: Take over, will you? I need to go write a sappy romcom with an over-the-top score masquerading as heartfelt emotion.

FX: DOOR SLAMS

SHEYLA: How wonderful! I love those movies.