EVERYTHING BUT-GIRL: EXCERPT

AN EXCERPT FROM THE SHORT STORY

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'Whew,' Jenny exclaimed as she heaved herself down onto a sticky red chair opposite Tanya in the half-empty McDonalds. 'Sorry I'm late. It took like twenty minutes to get here.'

'Tell me about it,' Tanya said and rolled her eyes. She looked out the window at the throngs of dressed-up people stretching their necks this way and that to get a glimpse of the procession. 'You'd think at least Sierpes would be open, but no. There’s more police than last week.'

'Guess the Guardia Civil actually do care more about protecting than attacking,' Jenny said, peeling a thick, woollen scarf off her reddened neck. ‘Scotland Yard take note. Jesus look at this place! Usually it's a fifteen minute affair just to get a burger.'

'Sssssh,' Tanya hissed. 'You might wanna save your blasphemy for next week.'

Jenny followed Tanya's eyes to the neighbouring table, where a half dozen off-duty pall-bearers, padded shirts around their heads, were silently chewing their way through a pile of cheeseburgers. Most of them wore only undershirts, their purpose-built muscles shining beneath the strip lights.

'Jes - I mean... Crikey? Yeah, crikey, I'm sorry. Dude, I’m starving.'

‘Yeah, let’s get some food.’

The girls stood up and walked over to the counter. In front of them were three teenage girls, dressed to the nines in their Semana Santa best.

‘Look at this good Catholic girl,’ Jenny whispered and nudged her elbow into Tanya’s side. The girl just leaving the till, maybe fourteen, was wearing a white blouse so tight you could see the outline of her bra underneath. Like the girl’s heels, the bra was fluorescent green.

‘Someone should call Frank Zappa.’

‘What’ya getting?’

‘Everything.’ Tanya looked up at the glowing display boards above the cashier. ‘They do milkshakes yet?’

‘Stop talking about it,’ Jenny grumbled through clenched teeth. ‘This is as good as it gets. Cuarto de libra con queso por favour. Menú.’

‘Y un menú de McNuggets por favor,’ Tanya shot in, ‘con Coca Cola y dos sundaes con sirope de chocolate.’

‘You’ll be sick in two minutes,’ Jenny said as she watched Tanya’s sundaes slip out of the machine. ‘I had to walk downstairs a step at a time to keep from barfing. Anyway don’t you want your ice-cream after the meal?’

‘Shit,’ Tanya said as the two cups were put down on her tray. ‘I didn’t think about that.’

This was enough to make the girls laugh until they reached their table, next to the now silent group of pall-bearers. The pall-bearers were looking at the three teenage girls. The girls were sipping their Cokes.

Smirking, Tanya tore the lid off her barbecue sauce. ‘Good luck with that.’

‘Are you kidding?’ Jenny put a chip in her mouth. ‘Catholic girls are infamous for their... generosity.’ She swallowed, licking the salt off her lips. ‘And so long as you get a blank slate every Monday, who wouldn’t be?’

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned,’ Tanya began in a high-pitched female voice. ‘It has been,’ she continued, before swapping to a deep and impatient timbre– ‘one week, one week, we know the deal Patricia. Get on with it, will you?’

‘Said the father as a hand slipped gently inside his robe.’

‘Aren’t there unpardonable sins though?’ Tanya asked and dunked a nugget into the sauce. She threw it into her mouth and shook her hand free of the burn. Chewing and swallowing quickly, she was sufficiently encouraged by her stomach’s contented gurgling to throw in another one. ‘I mean surely you can’t do whatever you want and then just go to confession.’

‘Pretty much,’ Jenny shrugged, ‘I mean in the eyes of Jesus anyway. Or if it’s God, I don’t know. The dude who pardons.’

Jenny scratched the side of her nose, leaving a trail of shiny nugget grease. ‘I thought that was the priest?’

‘Nah, nah, he’s only the vessel.’ Jenny unwrapped her burger, taking the fragrance in with a blissful breath. ‘Anyway there is one unpardonable sin, but dig this, it doesn’t even involve hurting anyone.’

‘What is it?’

Jenny waved her hand to request some peace for chewing her cuarto de libra. Tanya stared intently at the nugget in her hand. It was only the third one, and already she felt as if she’d poured concrete into her stomach.

‘It’s blasphemy,’ Jenny said after she’d swallowed. ‘Against the Holy Spirit.’

Tanya, still holding the nugget, looked at her incredulously. ‘That’s it? Then what’s all this hysteria over premarital sex? Or, I don’t know, manslaughter?’

‘Those sins are punished by society.’ Jenny took another bite. ‘But Jesus forgives. Or, you know, whoever.’

Tanya made no reply, but put the nugget back inside its box. Instead, she tryingly sniffed one of the already half-melted sundaes. Over the rim she could see the teenage girls, taking photos of each other and uploading them to Instagram.

‘So you mean to say,’ she said and put the sundae back down untouched. ‘That these girls are free to do whatever they want. Sexually, I mean.’

‘Well, yeah.’ Jenny dunked a chip inside one of Tanya’s sundaes. ‘So long as they don’t mind being unmarried for all their life.’

‘But you just said they were generous.’

‘Sure they are. Generous and creative. Man, have you ever tried chips and ice-cream?’

‘Course I have, it’s a classic. What’ya mean creative?’

‘Well in the US, apparently, kids are preserving their virginity by opting for the back door.’

‘Not bad,’ Tanya nodded. ‘And no babies, either.’

‘Win-win, right? Cause everyone knows AIDS just happens to black people, junkies and gays.’

‘That reminds me of this girl from sixth form.’ Tanya turned her chair sideways and put her legs up on the seat next to her. ‘Susannah. She was this pristine daddy’s girl –‘

‘Don’t say that.’

‘Well I mean she was just really, really well-behaved, and got straight A’s. Christian of course. Spoke left and right about saving herself for marriage. But everyone knew she’d been giving blowjobs since year seven.’

‘She must have loved Britney Spears.’

‘I remember the guys used to call her “everything but-girl”, cause she did everything but sex.’

‘Perhaps the Americans just added a T to that.’

Tanya looked at Jenny for about three seconds, then burst out laughing. ‘Man,’ she said after she’d collected herself, ‘how is it your hangovers make you witty, and mine make me order two ice-creams as a starter?’

Jenny shrugged. ‘Maybe you need to smoke more pot. What’s Susannah doing today?’